Inner Peace Is For Losers

I did a little reading on depression over the weekend, and saw that people who have a pessimistic outlook are more likely to have depression. In fact, pessimism is seen by some as a mild form of depression, also known as dysthymia. It explains some things.

I tried cutting my dose of Celexa, because I'm also taking Welbutrin. Celexa has helped a lot, but some of its other effects are a problem. And my moods seem so flat. I'm not sad, but not excited about anything, either. And it's still tempting to spend hours getting lost in TV or computer games. Other than the blog, I'm not writing much.

So I'd hoped the Welbutrin would counteract some of that stuff, and that maybe I could get off the Celexa altogether. After a couple of weeks, I'm standing on the edge of the dark place, looking in. I went back to the full dose. I still don't know how much of it's brain chemical, medication stuff and how much of it just needs more of an effort on my part.

There are some things I enjoy still, though. The company of people I'm close to. Exercise makes me feel pretty good. The music I'm listening to right now.

My little sister introduced me to Apocalyptica. They do metal on cellos, and it's gorgeous stuff. It takes full advantage of the richness of the sounds that cellos can produce, and adds a hard edge to it. Their version of Hall of the Mountain King is wild, chaotic, and utterly beautiful.